One of the most interesting things about growing older is that I often unexpectedly find myself preparing or prepared for things that I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to prepare for in the past.
Things like saving money for retirement, looking for houses in what is considered to be a safe neighborhood, or most recently, preparing to be a long-term partner or wife.
Ever since I started dating I was determined to be the type of girlfriend that any man would be proud to have on their arm. In almost every relationship I’ve been in I’ve prepared meals, planned outings or romantic nights in. I’ve ironed clothes, given haircuts, met the parents and frankly tried to make myself everything that I thought any man would want or need. I always tried to make it a point to make my relationship what I thought was better and more successful than the relationships surrounding me. My idea of what a successful relationship looked like was found in the books that I read and the shows that I watched.
Like most of my friends, my parents were not together, but I was fortunate enough to have a man in the household that cared for me as well as a father who was active in my life. I grew up watching the way my mother moved within her marriage and the way my father moved within his many relationships.
From my perspective my mother was the authority figure in her relationship; The “bow before me”, “you will never tell me I’m wrong,” type. She often raised her voice to get her way, while my father was a provider, bill payer and did what he pleased for the most part. He was able to keep his women happy until he decided it was time to move on.
Low and behold, I ended up being a combination of both of them.
For a long time, I thought being in a relationship meant being needed. I thought that it meant celebrating holidays together, buying gifts, watching our favorite shows, matching outfits, and most importantly giving you what I thought you needed and getting my way with everything, all the time.
I was quite a handful. I’ll be the first to admit that I could be hard to deal with, and I did not ( and still do not) like being told no. Although silly 80% of the time the other 20% of my personality was a combination of attitude and passive-aggressive behavior.
It wasn’t until my current relationship that it occurred to me how so many of my movements in my past relationships were unacceptable and often detrimental. Below I have included a few factors that I find to be pretty important when it comes to having a succesful relationship.
Open and Honest Communication:
I believe that one of the largest in factors in having a successful relationship is being able to effectively communicate with your partner. Being able to express yourself and your wants and needs can only contribute to the success of your relationships. I say this because, for a very long time, I was not very good at communicating with my boyfriends. I expected them to fulfill my needs without me even having to tell them. I figured they would know what I wanted if they paid enough attention and I would often get upset when they would not. I can’t help but laugh at that now because it is so absolutely foolish. If you want something, open your mouth and say something. I don’t know any mind readers, do you?
But what I came to realize, is that although it is foolish, it is very common in relationships. It is often challenging to see what you’re doing is wrong when you grow up watching the behavior, and you see it happening in others relationships that you have deemed to be successful.
It is also important to communicate with your partner in a way that will not hurt their feelings, making them feel small, stupid or unwanted. I was terrible at this for a long time. I can be mean as hell, I’m not even going to lie. I cringe at the thought of some of the things I’ve said to people in the past. Fortunately, I’m one of those people who has had the opportunity to be treated like I have treated others, which ultimately corrected that behavior.
Once words leave your lips they are in the universe forever and cannot be taken back. Taking more time to think before you speak definitely can make a difference in the way thoughts are presented. If you have trouble communicating in a way that will not hurt your partner’s feelings, talking with someone who you confide in regarding your tone and statements prior to the conversation with your partner to gain feedback could be helpful.
Building/Growing Together
Since I was a junior in highschool, I had a plan of what I thought my life should be. Married after college, travel a few years, start a career, start a business with my partner, settle down and have kids at 28. Believe it or not, I seemed to share my plan with so many of my girlfriends but never bothered to even plan for it with past partners. In college, I was in a relationship with someone who was actively planning for our future. He was business minded and bound to be successful. At the time I was too busy focused on socializing to contribute. I also felt that I wasn’t being included in the planning part, to me, it seemed to be more of his plan than ours. That pattern seemed to continue within my relationships until my most current one.
Making future plans together will ultimately contribute to the success of your relationship. It will also help you determine earlier than later whether or not your views align with each other. I don’t think there is anything worse than feeling like you’ve wasted your time. Getting wants and needs out in the open and determining what you want to accomplish as a unit will not only help you have a better understanding of your partner but will also help you decide early in the game if you and this person will be able to have a successful future.
Privacy
You don’t have to tell everyone, everything. In the past, I was the type of person who would often confide in others for advice. Having little experience in relationships, I would often call on my more experienced friends when there were things happening within the relationships that I wasn’t sure how to handle. I learned the hard way on several different accounts that everyone does not have your best interest. There will always be someone rooting for your relationship to fail. There will always be someone waiting to swoop in after your partner screws up too many times, and others wanting company in their loneliness.
I don’t think listening to other people’s perspectives is a bad thing, as long as you take it as a grain of salt and not the end all be all. Although I often enjoy hearing people’s options of relationships outside of my own, I’ve found it better to communicate with your partner first if you have an issue with something. Sometimes its easy to get wrapped up in other people’s conclusions as to why he’s doing what he’s doing or did what he did and you end up dead ass wrong because you decided to make an assumption instead of actually asking. Don’t play ya self. Be cautious with who you confide in.
Follow Through:
Say what you mean and mean what you say. I cannot express how important it is to keep your word. If you say that you are going to do something, do it. It’s simple as that. It’s not a very good feeling having to constantly follow up with your partner about things that they said they were going to do and still haven’t. Trust me when I say, it can be detrimental to a relationship.
I’ve had the opportunity to date and spend time with some phenomenal men. I have never seen a such an improvement in myself like I have since I have been with Marvin. I’ve developed my communication skills, so my needs and wants are often easily meet. I have been able to see how taking interest in what your partner enjoys ultimately brings you closer to together. I was with someone who wants to see me be successful alongside them, not after them or because of them. I was with someone who regularly encouraged me to pursue my dreams and provides me with the tools to do so. He also took the time to plan outings and vacations, which I very much enjoyed. I had never felt more fulfilled and excited to plan a future. I couldn’t be happier to say, I have found the man of my dreams.
CallMeCam 