What is Love? Baby Don’t Hurt Me

Adulthood has a way of taking things that you thought you knew as a kid and completely morphing the meaning, significance, and purpose. Kind of like finding out that most of the characters that left us presents as a child were just our parents lurking in the shadows. The wool was so far over our eyes that many of us believed everything that we were told not even considering that it could be a lie. Oh, how naïve we once were.

That’s how I started feeling about falling in love as an adult.

Up until a few months ago, I thought I knew exactly what it meant to be in love. I’ve been in and out of relationships since I was old enough to date (clearly that makes me an expert). I thought love was simple. A strong feeling that existed for a moment in time or sometimes for a lifetime. It can be that, but it could also be so many other things.

Due to the amount of time I spent reading teen romance novels as a young adult, the way that I showed love to my partners started off very traditional. Movie nights, matching outfits, holiday pictures, anniversary dinners, and most importantly GRAND GESTURES. I will decorate your room, your door, your house, your car, I will take a bus, car, plane, train, and hike all in the name of LOVE. Or so I thought. I thought being in love meant shouting it to the world for all to hear, being present, being understanding, communicating, and the list goes on.

I’m down the street from 29 now and I’m baffled at how significantly my views on love have developed.

As foolish as it sounds, one hard thing that I had to learn is that there is no “one size fits all” when it comes to how you treat your partner. Although many men don’t ask for much, everyone has a different love language. Talking through your partner’s needs wants, and desires is just as important as keeping open and honest communication throughout. In a climate where social media rules all it’s easy to get caught up and competitive. 9 times out of 10 people are showing off relationships that they aren’t even happy in.

I learned the hard way that it’s not unusual for people to lie about what they want out of a relationship or even lie about wanting one at all. It’s still wild to me that people are lying as adults but it’s more common than you think. They’re called dream sellers and I’d recommend staying as far as possible from them if you know what’s good for you.

I stayed in a lot of relationships for the wrong reasons. I stayed because of: the fear of being alone, wanting to feel needed, threats of suicide, comfortability, and a lot of times to avoid embarrassment. Looking back at a lot of these scenarios, I can’t think of a time that I stayed because I was truly in love.  I cared so much about what other people thought that I would go into overdrive trying to fix things that were never meant to be fixed. I was chasing happiness in many of these relationships. I was so incredibly lonely and emotionally distraught but it was easy to keep up appearances and make it look like everything was fine. I thought love meant through thick and thin. Sometimes it does, but if it’s at the expense of your mental health, physical well-being, or happiness it’s really not worth it.

Now, I say my views on love have changed because for the first time in my life, I felt like I understood what it meant when people say they’ve found their “person.” A few months into getting to know each other I had no interest in being with anyone else. I removed or muted any person who could potentially get in the way or cause any harm to what I thought was a perfect union. I was ignoring exes and old flings and bragging that I had finally found my person to all my friends. I had been through so much in the past with toxic relationships I was so excited for a fresh start. I was determined to get this one right.

He “loved” me in a way that was unfamiliar to me. We could be honest and laugh at each other, talk about current and past situations, and every moment we were together it felt blissful. Even when things started to get hard everything always seemed perfect when we were together. I couldn’t let go of that feeling.

I did everything I could to be a supportive partner, providing resources, motivation, communication, and understanding and naturally an overabundance of romantic gestures.

I was so foolishly in love. Introducing him to my friends planning activities, and most importantly talking about OUR future TOGETHER. Not in a make-believe it may or may not happen way. I was literally in the process of moving my entire life around to make this long-distance relationship work. I was confident that this one was different. I felt like the universe was FINALLY giving me a break. It sent me a man who loves me for me, who’s patient, who cooks, who’s proud to be with me, who echoes my sentiments about the future. You couldn’t tell me anything.

But what’s new?  I was met with waves of negative comments about him not being good enough for me because of his current situation. I didn’t care. It was my life, my decision and I continued to brag and smother him with all I had to offer.

See that right there? That is exactly what puts me in these wild situations in the first place. Being hardheaded. I have a bad habit of going blind when I get excited and end up getting played. I’ve been played like a fiddle for the last ten years and at this point I’m on the bench.

 I believed every word he said and I was so satisfied to finally be receiving a love that I felt like I earned after going through so many hardships in my past relationships. I thought the cheating, emotional manipulation, and abuse were finally over, and I had no interest in being with anyone else. I took a large sigh of relief and then started orchestrating my plan to move out of state. I was so confident I told everyone I was moving. I didn’t think anything could go wrong.

I acknowledge how foolish this was, but if you knew how terrible my luck was finally seeing what looked like a light at the end of the tunnel breathed life into me after being broken for so long.

I’m writing this because like most of my posts this is laced with lessons that I had to learn the hard way.

Our honeymoon phase lasted longer than usual because of the distance. We were always happy to see each other, talk to each other, and Facetime each other, whatever the case was, we were falling fast and moving faster. I was excited to have a man who was committed and patient with me, I have never been happier in a relationship. He said things to me like he would never leave me, and that we would be together forever. All I knew was that I wanted forever and I was willing to do whatever to make sure it was with him.

The rug got pulled from under me when the winter months rolled in. Unfortunately for me, although I try my best to manage, with winter comes seasonal depression. I expressed this in prior months hoping that it would help. It didn’t. He became distant and we began talking less. During these times I need a lot of support from my partner, and I thought he would be able to handle it. He didn’t care to and just disappeared into oblivion whenever I was having an episode. Navigating other people’s mental illnesses isn’t for the weak. Before I knew it we were talking less and less and talks about seeing each other were becoming scarce.

It felt like it was my fault. I couldn’t help but think that maybe if I had been more intentional with managing my mental health we wouldn’t be here. It wasn’t until Valentine’s Day rolled around that I realized he had checked out. An intended trip became non-existent and I didn’t even get as much as a card until the next week. Flowers, in the shape of a dog. I was confused about this because I didn’t feel like he was dogging me out. I just felt like he was dropping the ball.

It was then that I started realizing the inconsistencies in his behavior and a large increase in carelessness. It wasn’t long before I was contacted by another young woman that he was dealing with and I realized he wasn’t at all who I thought he was.

I was embarrassed, I was distraught, I was heartbroken in a way that I had never been before. She was young and petite. I didn’t understand what was so valuable about her that she was worth risking what we had. I had tried my best to be the best partner I could considering the circumstances, but I was left confused. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve this. Considering how many times I’ve been cheated on at this point I’m surprised I even bothered to get upset.

One thing I couldn’t do is cry. I wasn’t about to feel sorry for myself.

It took me a moment to realize that a lot of times people’s behavior isn’t a reflection of you. Many times it’s a reflection of their insecurities, carelessness, values, or lack thereof, upbringing, and sometimes past relationships.

Although I received bits and pieces about his past, I blamed his behavior on his lack of maturity. I got cocky and thought that he would never treat me like he treated the others. He would, and he did. I was balling up red flags left and right. There isn’t anything that you can do about men who don’t have any respect for women, and it’s also foolish to fall in love with people’s potential.

At the time I also failed to realize how quickly we moved. We had barely gotten a chance to get to know each other as friends before deciding to make a commitment. We both got caught up in the excitement of a new person with new experiences. Realistically, coming from the situations that we had, we truly needed more time to learn and grow as two single adults before diving into a relationship. I wasn’t ready and neither was he. One large component that was missing from the equation was a higher level of communication. There were a lot of conversations that needed to be had that weren’t due to a lot of different factors. I also acknowledge that my expectations may have been overwhelming for a new and blossoming relationship. Long-distance is already a challenging venture in itself.

Although this isn’t the first time I’ve been betrayed this one hit a bit harder because I didn’t see it coming. I was confident in our relationship, you couldn’t tell me we weren’t perfect for each other.

It’s funny how the smoke clears after something implodes.

You start noticing behaviors that you didn’t prior to being in love. In this case, it was a blaring indicator of what love is and what love isn’t.

Love isn’t being dishonest with your partner.

Love isn’t entertaining other outside parties.

Love isn’t putting your own or your partner’s safety or health at risk.

Love is care, consideration, and communication.

Love is going above and beyond.

Love is being supportive even when they’re at their worst.

Love can be challenging, but with the right person, it’s worthwhile.

Love isn’t just paying for things.

Love is showing up.

Love is listening.

Love is choosing your partner when you can choose anyone else in the world.

That word is often exhausted and used in vain.

After this ordeal for the first time, I saw how ugly my reflection could be. I looked right into the eyes of my college self, not a care in the world, dangerously selfish, lacking consideration and self-awareness. My insides burned because I knew what his next steps were. The excitement of leaving what felt like a burden, to entertain meaningless interactions with new people. The couple of exciting months that turn into years of settling for less just to end up regretful that you let a good one slip through your fingers. I know that story well. It took me forever to see myself but now everything is clear as day.

This one slammed and locked the door to my love life for now. As a romantic, it’s a strange feeling to not be in or looking for a relationship. I know I’ve grown because I don’t feel lost, or unfulfilled. Moving forward I now see the value of taking time to let things play out. Although it’s good to have a plan, some things shouldn’t be rushed.

I’ve been watching people get married and engaged to partners that they’ve cheated on for years and question if I even feel like bothering with a new relationship in the future. Not to mention most of what ends up in my DM’s are people’s clearly lost husbands.

I’d much rather continue to grow and be happy on my own, in silence, in my house, with the dog.

The truth in-between the binding

In May 2019 I started writing in a paper journal. I write in it from time to time ,but recently something made me flip back to the beginning.

When I started the journal I had just gotten out of a long term “on again-off again” (severely unhealthy) relationship and I knew more than anything that I now needed to be alone for a while. I thought it would be useful to write to make up for the time I wasn’t talking to my ex.

Reason for the break up : happiness.

Well, lack thereof.

He said it was apparent that I wasn’t happy with him and although my first reaction was to fight it, I knew that he was right. I hadn’t been happy for a long time. I was worn down from the negative comments and inconsistent behavior, and I had gotten to a point where I was starting to dread our interactions. Our relationship was all I knew for the last three years of my life and transitioning to being alone was scary thought. Who was I going to go on trips with, who was I going to call every day, who was going to have all the solutions to my problems? I didn’t know. I felt lost and didn’t know who to talk to about it.

What I did know was that my mental health was out of control. I was angrier and sadder than I had ever been and my self esteem was in the drain. My counseling sessions were uncovering some dark realizations and it was becoming very clear that I should have left a long time ago. I spent a long time playing pretend. I kept making excuses and staying longer, and continued to ignore the signs that my body and mind were giving me as an indication to leave. My phone being broken during an argument was a blaring indication that it was time to go.

Years later, I came across a reel on Instagram that talked about something called trauma bonding. According to healthline.com trauma bonding comes in many different forms but the characteristics below are the ones that I could relate to the most.

• Feeling unhappy and may not even like your partner any longer, but you still feel unable to end things.
• Feeling physically and emotionally distressed when you try to leave.
• Being told they are going to change , but making no effort to actually do so.
• Fixating on “good” days, using them as proof that they truly care.
• Making excuses and defend their behavior when others express concern.
• Continuing to trust them after being shown time and time again that they can’t be trusted
• Protecting them by keeping abusive behavior secret.

Seeing these characteristics spelled out was a shock to my system. I continued to read and found that hormones could play a large role in instances such as this one. After a traumatic experiences, the calm after the experience could potentially ease any fear that the the person may have created, causing the victim to experience a release of dopamine. Additionally, being rewarded with gifts or physical affection could also have the same effect, in turn strengthening the bond that you have with the person making it harder to leave.

For years, I did not understand why I stayed in some on the situations that I did. For a long time I thought it was because I kept convincing my self that I didn’t deserve better because of mistakes that I made in my past relationships. Unfortunately it took me longer than it should have to realize how disturbing and inappropriate some things that I had experienced in some of my relationships were. Although I don’t think it’s ever good to dwell on the past, reflecting on it and talking and thinking through some things is sometimes a good way to prevent from making the same mistakes in the future.

What made me revisit the journal in the first place was a conversation I recently had with my mom. She expressed that she felt like she didn’t know me while I was in the relationship and wasn’t sure how to navigate conversations with me. This wasn’t the first time I had been told that I had changed. Some other friends and relatives had expressed  that the behavior that I was displaying was unfamiliar and many were worried and didn’t know how to express their concerns. At the time I brushed it off, now that I’m revisiting my journal I can see exactly what they may have been concerned about. I read through pages and pages of letters to myself and others expressing my unhappiness, logging it day by day. It reads as if I finally was letting go of an addiction that I had and I was finally free to live my life. Throughout the pages I can see myself transitioning, I was reading again, talking to my friends and family more, doing things that made me happy. Then I got to a page where there was another shift. 

A journal entry about privacy and how I had none. I remember this very well because I wrote  this after my journal had been taken , photographed and my own words were used against me in a disagreement. How or when they got photographed, I had no real way of knowing. All I knew is that I would never truly have privacy. The following weeks and months came with more and more disagreements and harsh words, pop-ups and tears, and I didn’t understand why. Why stick around if you didn’t want to be with me? I desperately wanted to move on, but I had gotten to a point where I was afraid to bring people to my house because I didn’t know if or why I was being watched. I was paranoid, and for a moment I started avoiding coming home at the same time or at all. 

In the midst of all of this I did find happiness within myself. It took a lot of rebuilding and reassuring but I made it out. I started doing things that I enjoyed and spending time with people who were just as happy to be around me as I was them. I was laughing and smiling  in ways that I hadn’t in what felt like years and I was starting to feel like myself again. I hadn’t realized how sad I had been until I experienced bliss. That word is used a lot in corny romance movies and I never really understood what it meant until I was riding a scooter from Orioles stadium to Federal hill laughing uncontrollably. If I knew that it was possible to be that happy I would’ve worked harder to get there and stay there. 

After that experience I wanted to feel like that all the time. I tried to fill every moment that I wasn’t at work with what I thought was bliss. Whether it meant wading in the waters of Patapsco Park, going on missions to DC, dancing all night long on the weekends, watching basketball games or being curled up watching Bob Ross videos. Before I knew it I had fallen in love with bliss and I decided that’s what I wanted long term. Bliss. There was no one that could tell me that I couldn’t have it at that point.

But as quickly as the bliss came, it left. I played a large part in chasing it right out the door. I got wrapped up in my school work, stopped responding to my friends or leaving the house outside of work or school. I stopped because once again paranoid that my happiness would be brought to a stop by someone else. One thing I did know is that I did not want to be home, I didn’t feel safe there but I didn’t know where else I could go .I spent a lot of time at my school library. I was slowly but surely chasing my bliss out the door but I thought If I could just reach it for just a moment maybe I wouldn’t lose it. 

But I did,  and I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. I started to again question why and how I always seemed to destroy my own happiness. Was it that I felt like I wasn’t deserving or did I just not know how to maintain it?

 February 2020 started with me trying to find the bliss that I lost. I found it again in a different form, months later in the summer while my head was hanging out the window driving through in Shenandoah Valley Park. Now days I find my bliss in nature. I’m in control of my life, my happiness, and I search for or create my own blissful moments whenever possible.

Where do you find yours?

Trauma Bonding Resources

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#causes

• Love Is Respect offers resources specifically designed for people between 13 and 26 years old.
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7 at 800-799-7233 or via chat. The organization also offers a guide for creating a safety plan.

Dear Diary : Welcome to 2021

Welcome to 2021. If you’re reading this right now you’ve successfully made it through 2020 alive.

As silly as it sounds it currently feels like we’re living in a live video game, or even better, a movie. A Black Mirror 3D movie that was written and directed by someone who has truly lost their mind (or has an incredibly unique way of thinking like Abed from The Community, see below).

The plot twists are off the wall, the storyline doesn’t make any sense and everything is being tested. Our careers, our relationships, and our physical and mental health are being tested in ways that many of us were not prepared for. 

Like many people I was laid off from my job in 2020. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t one of the best things that happened to me last year. I was in a terrible place mentally, still mourning the death of the loved one and the loss of a good friend. I desperately needed time to heal and rebuild. 

Summer 2020 was a time of reflection and exploration. I had the chance to hike paths I’d never explored before, level up long term relationships and do what makes me happy. Most importantly I got a chance to sit back and evaluate some of my relationships and friendships with a counselor, which provided me the clarity to let go of things that were no longer serving me.

• 

• 

• 

• 

For what felt like the first time in my life I made my mental health a priority. For me, that meant saying no to hangouts, sometimes not taking calls if I was feeling overwhelmed, and more importantly speaking my truth if I felt that I was being treated in a way that wasn’t very nice. I had to look out for myself. I have spent entirely too much of my life involved in others peoples drama.

In the summer I was intentional with spending time with my friends, and feeding and entertaining them when I could. I felt like I was in a good place allowing myself to open up to new conversations and be vulnerable.

I had been told several times in the past, by people who I had considered close that they didn’t feel the same closeness. So I let loose, I shared my ugly truths and thoughts, (sometimes exaggerated for entertainment purposes) to see where it got me. In many instances I grew closer than I could ever imagine with some friends, others seemed to get further and further away ,differences magnified. I felt myself reaching to express my feelings, trying to rekindle or mend things that were never meant to be deeper than what they originally were. I ended up hurt, feeling isolated and betrayed. This reminded me why you can’t let everyone in. Some people aren’t going to love and accept you like you love and accept them. Some people were not raised by parents who taught them to be respectful and considerate the way that you were. Some people do not deserve to know your truth. That’s why it is necessary to pay attention and choose wisely when it comes to who you bring into your space. 

In the winter it’s not unusual for me to isolate myself. The change in the seasons typically get to me but this year was especially hard. December marked the year that I lost one of my best friends and then I found myself feeling like I was losing another one. Upon first thought, I reeled through my mind to see if I could find a reason why things had changed.

Other than my typical winter isolation things hadn’t seemed to change much on my end. I was a bit more sad than usual, a bit more stressed working through repairs in my new home. At the time I decided that it was more important for me to get my mental health together and start focusing on getting back to work rather than worrying about dwindling friendships. I wanted to be able to be the best version of myself, and show up the strong individual that I knew I was .

That was a challenging decision to make considering how emotionally invested I am in my friends. Once I laid it out on paper it was easy to see that I was making the right decision. Evaluating friendships can be tedious and mentally draining, being outside of them allows you to see things that you never may have noticed in the past. In a lot of instances it will make you question how you were friends for so long and why, this can be incredibly disappointing. A few common occurrences for me was ignoring red flags, giving people the benefit of the doubt, and then being hurt when the smoke cleared and I could see them for exactly who they we’re. It’s ugly, it’s eye opening and sometimes it’s necessary.

Many people are selfish (surprise-surprise), and sometimes self loathing. I’m learning to stay far away from people who fail to see their value, it’s not your job to show them or teach them. In many instances if they don’t value themselves it’s very unlikely that they will value you, your life or well being. 

Some people are also one track minded. It doesn’t take much for some people to lose focus and forget how far they’ve come ,they get distracted and can sometimes end up back in the same toxic environment where you found them, wearing their rose colored glasses. 

Lastly, people are blinded by emotions, I’m one of those people. Talking through conflicts with counselors and friends (not the ones who remind you they’re not your counselor, they don’t want to hear it) can provide you with clarity on the situations and perspective that you may not have noticed. This can be challenging because some people are biased. But it can also save you from continuing friendships that should’ve been let go along time ago. 

Stay vigilant.

My personal goals this year consist of being more kind with my words, setting boundaries and putting my own feelings first. Upon evaluating myself and my relationships I ran into a lot of instances in which I was incredibly hurt  by individuals actions, and failed to express myself in a way that displayed the seriousness in the matter. This resulted in me continuously brushing off instances over and over again and my feelings not being acknowledged.

I acknowledge that if I would’ve been more expressive this could have prevented future instances and provided clarity for others. My life long goal is to always be growing mentally and be around people who are going forward and not backwards. I will continue to try to be the best version of myself that I can be. This starts with being around people who are straightforward and honest about how they feel, are willing to work through conflicts instead of run away from them , and give and receive feedback instead of getting defensive.

 It’s going to be a long journey but i’m confident that I’m on the right track.

Blinded by the Light.

Can I just say that self-reflection can be disgustingly exhausting? Sheesh.

I am such a knit picky person when it comes to myself, sometimes I feel like I’m in a constant state of internal conflict.

BUT, with conflict comes resolution, clarity, and often a better understanding of self and others. So, to me the self-reflection regardless of what conflict it brings is always worth it.

These last couple of months I had to take another hard look at my values and the decisions that I’ve made that have impacted my life. I know I talk a lot about removing people from my circle. In many of those instances, it is because I value myself and the way that I believe that I should be treated by my friend group. There is certain behavior that I just cannot tolerate. What I recently had to go come to terms with is why I can’t seem to do the same within relationships. Am I failing to see my value when my rose-colored glasses are on?

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine last week who graciously told me about myself (which I always appreciate). They told me that one of the reasons that I end up being treated so poorly by men is because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to see them as better people than they actually are. I have the ability to see the worst in people that I have no romantic interest in. I turn a blind eye when I do like them, which I’ve learned can be incredibly dangerous depending on the circumstance.

I also had to do the hard thing and admit that I’ve been in incredibly toxic circumstances that should have never lasted as long as they did. I chose to be in them. I chose to stay in them on the premise that things could get better and tried to work through a lot of issues with communication. I put entirely too much trust in people that should have never been trusted.

Here is where my values come back into play.

 As hard as it is to admit I wanted to be with someone so badly that I chose to believe the explanations of the red flags and instances of other women. I could’ve left. I should’ve have left. I didn’t. It seems I never leave until I’ve been so emotionally destroyed that I have no choice.

 I was valuing the wrong things, the vacations, the meals, the shows, the promise of a ring, the promise of a family. Although I was also valuing the sharing of knowledge, the creative give and take among other positive things I failed to value my self and mental health which is the worst thing I could’ve done. I chose to put the needs, wants, and opinions of others before my own.

I concluded that I grew up watching many adults in my life value experiences, things and survival over love and I fell right in line. Watching apologies be bought instead of behaviors being changed. I never actually was able to experience what could be considered a healthy, loving relationship, and I thought that the amount of things that someone gave you translated to how much they loved you. As an adult I can see how problematic having those type of views is.

Coming up on 28 now I’m not interested in making the same mistakes moving forward. It should not have taken this long and frankly, I’m pretty disappointed in myself. Now I have a ridiculously long list of “You should probably leave if’s” and “It could be a red flag  if,” which unfortunately are so incredibly obvious that it almost makes my stomach hurt. Here, let me show you:

You should probably leave if you catch him sending and receiving risqué messages to women on social media.

You should probably leave if he knocks you down more than he lifts you up.

You should probably leave if you feel uncomfortable bringing him around your friends and family with a fear of what they might think.

You should probably leave if you’re constantly making excuses for his behavior.

You should probably leave if you catch him on a date with another women.

You should probably leave if he takes pictures of your diary and uses them against you in an argument.

You should probably leave if he constantly brings up your past.

Its probably a red flag if he waits for your to get home after saying you were not interested in speaking.

It’s probably a red flag if he shows up at your house and job unexpectedly on more than one occasion.

It’s probably a red flag if he has more females friends that you do.

It’s probably a red flag if he has more than one active phone that is not a work phone.

It’s probably a red flag if he leaves his phone in the car every time he sleeps over.

It’s probably a red flag if he gets up and leaves the room for hours in the middle of the night.

It’s probably a red flag if he doesn’t have positive relationships with his immediate family members.

Its probably a red flag is he doesn’t acknowledge how his behavior may impact others.

The list goes on and on, but you get the point.

Its reason’s like these that you should never romanticize relationships that you know nothing about. The behind the scenes footage is always the realist and the rawest. None of that behavior should be considered normal in a relationship, and I have to acknowledge the negative impact that it had on my mental health. It didn’t take long for my counselor to bring to my attention that my relationship was what was impacting my behavior and emotions negatively, and after a while of trying to fix what I thought was broken I just had to throw in the towel.

These months of reflection and mediation have reminded me how important it is to choose you first.

Your health. Your body. Your Mind.

As cliché as it sounds I never understood the impact of loving yourself first before you entered a relationship until this last year.

Allowing people to treat you how ever they want is not loving yourself.

Like many of my experiences, I’m thankful that I’ve learned all that I did. I am stronger than I ever have been and I am in absolutely no rush to get in anyone’s relationship until I am in a stronger mental space.

2020 has been coming with the heat man.

Stay safe, grounded, and reflective.

Providing a link on gas lightning below. It is a thing.

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/what-gaslighting-how-do-you-know-if-it-s-happening-ncna890866

You win some, others not so much.

Current living situation: I AM LEGEND

We are currently living in the land of TikTok, take out and social isolation.  Me, being someone who enjoys going on adventures and having an audience for my lame jokes went a bit mad on day three of working from home.

We’re now coming up on week three, and not only have I begun to fall into a routine but I ‘ve also decided to take this time to reflect. Good for me, right?  If I’m being honest considering that I’ve spent most of my life alone at some capacity (only child),  I wasn’t exactly jumping for joy at the thought of having to face my internal thoughts for long periods of time. But hey, what better time than now.  As I normally would, I’ll be honest.

These last couple of months have both rocky and rewarding. It feels like I’ve been watching myself under a lens and are in a constant state of critique. I always want to be better, smarter, stronger and possibly more self-aware than I was the month before and in order to do so, I must be intentional.

I started with severing ties with individuals that were no longer making a positive impact on my life. That was probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.

I truly value my friendships, but I had to start acknowledging who actually valued mine.  I have a bad habit of making excuses for people’s behavior and trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. After a while, I just had a look at things as they were. Friends that value you and your time will be honest will communicate, will be intentional with their actions. People will not always value you the way that you value them, or even care if you decided to leave their life in the first place. I tried my best to be intentional with acknowledging the value they did bring to my life and end on a positive note. The last thing I wanted to do was leave with no explanation (keeping in mind people’s triggers). Regardless of continuing or not I always try my best to be transparent.

Additionally, I also took a much-needed break from some long-term friendships and relationships, which seemingly ended up benefitting them in the long run.

One thing that I did have to acknowledge over these last few months is that I don’t have to be strong and hard all the time. At one point in my life, I decided that tears represented weakness. I would literally do anything to avoid crying in any circumstance. Nowadays I just got to let it happen. It’ll eat you alive if you don’t

Lastly, I took a long look at the way that I show people that I care and I’m honestly trying to decide if that needs to change.  I care entirely too much for people and fail to acknowledge when it’s blatantly obvious that it is not reciprocated. The way that I’ve been treated by some people makes me question what energy I’ve been putting into the universe. It’s hard for me to believe that my luck is this consistently bad.

Either way, it takes a lot for me to actually like someone romantically but when I do, I’m all in.

I’m very much a grand gesture person, my goal is always to make a person feel like they are special and deserving. I’ll collect your favorites and probably give them to you in a big obnoxious way if possible.

Consistency is super important to me, whether it’s checking in once or twice a day or seeing each other once or twice a week I try my best to show that I’m interested and being intentional with sharing my time with you and trying to plan something or participate in something that interests us both. Being flexible and open-minded Is a must when building anything with someone.

Although it’s not always apparent I’m a very touchy and cuddly person if I feel comfortable with you. I love holding hands and PDA, coordinating outfits, all that jazz. Typically, that comes with trust, the more confident that I feel that you are sure about your feelings the more likely I am to act.  I go pretty hard at times and the last thing I want to do is put myself out there to get my feelings hurt. Although I most recently did, and I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t impacted me emotionally.

The icing on the cakes comes if you can tap into the artistic side of me. Once you become my muse it’s almost no coming back from it. Especially if you’ve inspired me to create things outside of you.

I can’t imagine my ways aren’t much different from others. Honesty, communication, reciprocity, growth, partnership, and health are common things that people value.

I value people’s thoughts and feelings to my best of my ability. I’m easily excited and talkative and I try my best to be upfront with how I’m feeling so there are no surprises in the long run.

One thing that I have to keep telling myself is that people aren’t obligated to care. Not about your feelings your baggage, your triggers or mental health especially if there wasn’t a conversation about them.

Most recently I learned that because of my experience with losing a loved one, not receiving a response for longer than a day when I’m used to talking consistently can send my thoughts into a frenzy of worst-case scenarios.  Partially because I’ve never really experienced not receiving a response unless something was wrong (boy how times have changed).

But people don’t have to give you an explanation. As much you as may want one; whether it’s for peace of mind or for “closure” you may not ever get it. People aren’t obligated to value you or your time or treat you like you treat them. People aren’t obligated to feel for you the way you feel for them. People will play a role in impacting your feelings without even knowing it or bothering to care, and sometimes you have to be okay with that.

I care for my friends and family in a way that I never want to see them hurt or sad. I do what I can to make them happy and share experiences with them when I can. It occurred to me recently how often friends confide in each for the advice or next moves. I think sometimes we forget that although our friends care for us sometimes they can be biased and may not always have our best interest, sometimes they may be biased because of the feelings that they have for you, sometimes their playing the long game and will reassure you on things that are totally false, sometimes they see something good in your path but would rather you stay back with them or fail. Friends can reassure your assumptions when you may have been better off just asking.

I value my friends and their thoughts and opinions but I’m happy that I’ve learned to make my own decisions without letting them make an impact.

At the end of the day only I know what is truly best for me.

And so we go.

 

 

 

 

 

Either I like you or I don’t

The temperature outside has officially dropped below 60 degrees. Do you know what that means? Cuffing season is upon us. “What is cuffing season?” you ask. According to Collins dictionary.com: cuffing season is the period of autumn and winter when single people are considered likely to seek settled relationships rather than engage in casual affairs. The hot girl summer is slowing to a stop, and it time to be laid up.

I’m not going to act like I’m a fan of this season, I’m really not. Don’t get me wrong, I love ordering three separate costumes for Halloween, pigging out at Thanksgiving, regifting unpopular gifts at Christmas all that jazz. But for me, the colder seasons have traditionally been the most impactful seasons of my life. When I say impactful, I mean full of memories of heartbreaks, deaths in the family, loneliness and seasonal depression. Naturally, these are the seasons that I require the most attention, whether I get what I need typically determines what type of season I’ll be having.

But back to the topic at hand, cuffing season. I’m only bothering to write about this because I had what I thought was a pretty interesting conversation with a friend of mine about picking partners. He expressed that he was having trouble determining who, out of the women that he was dating was worthy of being in a relationship with. He then asked me how I went about deciding who I thought was worth pursuing long term.

Now I’m very much a “either I like you or I don’t” type person. Typically, when I’m single if I meet someone that I find attractive my red flag checklist automatically comes out. The list will stay out until I’ve decided what category to place that person in. When I say categories, I mean friend, potentially datable for me, potentially datable for a friend or nah I’m good. Some red flags that I pay attention too:

 

Lack of respect for others.

I definitely pay attention to how the person treats people. Friends, family, the homeless, the rich, the poor and how they’ve treated people in previous relationships.  More times than none, the way that they treat other people could be a reflection of how they will treat you.

Lack of commitment

If he is the type of person who doesn’t keep his word, I’ll probably keep it pushing. I don’t like it when people say they are going to do things with no intention of doing it.

It also is a red flag for me if they are constantly hopping from job to job. Unless you are a contractor, I’d definitely be questioning what is the reasoning behind the constant job rotation.

Lack of confidence

One pet peeve of mine is when people say things, dislike the reaction of the audience and then try to apologize or take it back.  Say what you mean and mean what you say. If that’s how you feel about something stick to it.

Also, constantly calling themselves ugly, questioning their appearance caring too much what people think, are also things that I’d prefer not to be bothered with.

Lack of ambition or drive

He needs to have future plans and future goals that are attainable. I’ve been around quite a few dream sellers that say exactly what they want to do but have no plans in place that would assist with them accomplishing them. Can’t get with it.

Now those are things that if I see them, its likely that any thoughts that I may have had about potentially entertaining the person have disappeared. Now my friend mentioned that it seemed unfair to write people off because of specific things when it is possible that those things can change about the person. My thing is, I’d prefer not to be sitting around waiting for potential. It’s possible that they can grow and change and improve as a person, but it’s also possible that they may not change at all, or may change only change temporarily. Therefore if there is no plan in place to improve, I’ll pass.

 

One thing that I did mention during our conversation is that I believe that if there are things that the person does not do that you would like them to do or not, it does make sense to have a conversation with that person on whether they would be willing to do those things before deciding to move on. It definitely is possible that the person may be willing. Talking about both of your expectations and needs after getting to know each can definitely help narrow down the list and weed out who would be worth pursuing the long term.

Don’t forget to be mindful of your mental health when picking partners. Wishing everyone a happy and safe cuffing season of head rubs, hand-holding and forehead kisses.

 

 

Here and Now or Then and There

Welcome back to the story of my life. I’m in need of a brain dump.

At this point, there are so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I almost don’t even know where to start.

But I’ll start here. Right here. At friendship road.

Traditionally, I’m the friend that celebrates birthday’s and buy special gifts. I try to be available and present when possible and I do my best to go above and beyond to make sure that my friends feel like they are special and loved. I thought that was important. At a young age, I was fortunate enough to have people in my life that thought I was important. I can’t think of a time that I didn’t feel loved by someone. I had a lot of friends that weren’t as fortunate as I was in the parent or the relationship department and I thought it would be best to pay it forward. As years go by I watch friendship road get murkier and murkier and at some point, I started cutting people off.

People come and go in your life right. No big deal. But one thing that was happening that I actively chose not to acknowledge, is that I was holding onto friendships because of how the friendships functioned in the past, not the present. When I took a look at the friendships at present-day it made me question why I even bothered to maintain them. And don’t get me wrong this wasn’t just one person, this was a few people that I still had sitting in the close friend’s category that continued to show me time and time again that they weren’t good friends.

Most of my friends know my three-strike rule. Three strikes your out. Whether it be lying, or any other foolishness that I find unacceptable you have three strikes.

Two huge flaws in this system is that not only did I remove the option to talk things out after an issue but I also wasn’t applying to rule to all friends. I had to get called out a few times for me to even notice that. One thing that I decided to do was ask a series of questions about each friend. Some of the questions included:

Do you consider this person a part of your support system? Physical, emotional, both?

Can you be your true self around this person, or do you have to filter yourself for their comfort?

Has this person lied to you?

Does this person check in on you, or do you always reach out first?

Have you been invited to life events?

If an issue has arisen, have you resolved it with them or was it swept under the rug?

Has this person canceled plans at any point? If so when, why and how often? Was an explanation provided, was it truthful?

Does this person require emotional support? Are you drained after speaking with them?

Does this person have your best interest?

Is this person honest with you if you are making foolish decisions?

Does this person respect your time?

Does this person respect your relationship?

The list goes on and quite frankly I was embarrassed after reviewing it. I was letting a lot of people slip by doing things that were unacceptable, and I was making excuse after excuse for them.

Unfortunately not only do I live in the past I also don’t like confrontation. I’m more likely to stop talking to someone completely than to give them an explanation. Something I’m working on.

But moving right along to relationship road.

Living in the past part two. Not my proudest moments.

I have the worst habit of comparing present relationships to past ones. Although I’ve gotten a lot better in a way that it only tends to happen if an action or phrase is duplicated it still was happening pretty frequently at one point. An I honestly think it’s because I like what I like, and I’ve tried to be what I thought other people like for so long that I’m starting to get tired.

I’m the girl who read romance novels in high school and romanticizes everything choosing not to acknowledge the bad parts. I wanted to be the wife who ironed my husband’s work shirts and made my kids lunch and read them bedtime stories before bed. I wanted to go on trips around the world and volunteer on the weekends and roast people at family functions.

The older I get the more I feel like I’m meant to be the family member that lives alone, has no kids and no animals and works 70 hours a week. It feels like that has to be me because every time I take on a task to better myself another aspect of my life fails, and it’s usually my relationship. Not to mention my give up/ worth through ratio when it comes to resolving issues is pretty murky.

I took on grad school because I was inspired to further my education. I wanted to give myself a better chance of making more money for many reasons. One of them is just in case there was a point that I had a raise a child on my own. I chose to go back to counseling to learn how to navigate my anxiety so I could be the best parent for my child and a better partner for my partner. Then the choice of getting back on birth control in an attempt to solve internal issues not taking into consideration the potential outcome of feeding my body extra hormones ( mood swings, depression, etc).

Looking at the future, but not navigating the present well. I hadn’t taken into consideration the amount of time that school would take up, how tired I would be, how stressed and how absent I would be.

I wanted to be a partner that brought more to the table but then wasn’t even present at the table. I wanted to be an employee that had more to offer, but then couldn’t successfully navigate both spaces.

It’s frustrating, seeing that I’ve spread myself too thin, trying to be the partner, the employee and the friend. Then I attempted to build a new support system that I can’t even withhold because my social anxiety is getting worse and I’m too busy doing homework.

Reality can be ugly sometimes, and I know one thing. I sure don’t want to navigate it on my own.

And so we go.

I’ve spent the last three years of my life navigating a relationship that was intended to result in marriage. I say navigating because like most things that are intended to last forever it WAS NOT easy. Somewhere during these three years, I decided that my way of living and thinking wasn’t good enough. I decided that I needed to attempt to adapt to the way my partner did things and try to view things the way that he viewed them. I took all his criticisms and comments about me and swallowed them whole. I was determined to fix myself, to adapt to this new relationship so that it would be successful and last forever. I began to think about everything that I did was wrong, that it could be better, that I could be better, that WE would be better together if I changed. I was constantly overthinking, I stopped sharing as much, and talking as much because navigating conversations when you’re constantly questioning whether you may say something incorrect or not is overwhelming. I lost sight of who I was. It didn’t occur to me until we broke up that I had lost myself in the shuffle.
The thing about me is I have always prided myself on being able to fulfill what I thought were the needs of whoever I was with. What I failed to realize is that I was literally following a template of what I thought a good partner looked like. It wasn’t until the most recent relationship that I became glaringly obvious that there are men that do not need or even require the things that you have to offer. Those men, are self-made and you will be in their lives because they want you to be, not because they need you to be.

This circumstance was pretty eye-opening for me because not only was I was so conditioned from my past relationships to fulfill certain needs that I began to feel useless when I no longer needed to. I didn’t see my value in the relationship if I wasn’t completing my “routine tasks”. Now, those tasks are things like: being emotional support when circumstances in their lives have changed, cooking, cleaning,  ironing clothes, cutting their hair, tying their ties before work and interviews and whatever else falls under the realm of what would be considered a stereotypical American dream type housewife. When I was no longer required to do those things I didn’t understand what made me valuable in the relationship.  Anyone could just show up and be present.

What made things even more challenging for me was that the tasks that I was given were so far from anything that I had ever done that was not successful in completing them consistently, which ended up being the demise of our relationship. I can’t even lie, the breakup was jarring but only jarring to the point where I went numb. And instead of taking my typical route of wallowing in my sorrows, I chose not to even acknowledge the breakup at first. I spent a week in my thoughts, writing and reading whatever I could get my hands on, and it felt great.

After the week of not talking to anyone, I felt refreshed and confident, I felt happy. I hadn’t felt that happy in a long time. This made me sad because I would have liked to be that happy within my relationship and I could’ve been if I stayed true to myself. I was never told that I needed to change, but I felt like I wasn’t good enough. My confidence level had plummeted in the worst way when I knew I wasn’t completing my tasks, or I did or said something that required what I thought would be considered a correction. It’s a reason like this that it’s super important to love yourself and who you are before you even bother to build a relationship with anyone else.

The space that I am in now feels so much better. I worry less, I smile more, and I learned and relearned a few lessons. I’m currently spending time reevaluating my goals, strengthening my support system, being more conscious of the state of my mental health, and being the best version of myself that I can be.

 

Unplugged

This beginning of my week started with an outburst of frustration that resulted in my phone being broken. I was pissed.

To me, that meant no alarm to wake me up for work. It meant I couldn’t turn on my lights ( there are definitely pro’s and con’s to having a Phillips Hue). It meant I couldn’t talk to my friends every moment of the day at the time when I felt like I needed them the most.

It meant silence.

Silence.

No one calling me. No one sending me Glides. No notifications. No news feeds. No likes. No DM’s. No Facebook. No nothing.

Silence.

I made the decision to hold off on getting my phone fixed, and it was the best decision I’ve made in a while. This week reminded of the things that I enjoy. It reminded me how much I love to read. It reminded me how to be present in conversations. To work hard at a task, without interruption. It reminded me that I don’t need music to work out and that I need anyone’s permission to do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it.

Silence.

I feel like I’ve gotten so much time back. I was wasting hour after hour scrolling through timelines. Wishing for things to happen that I felt like were out of my reach. But this week, this week was truly blissful.

Being phoneless was a big wake up call for me in so many ways. One of them is how anxious I am when my phone is in my hand. If it’s not in my hand I’m usually looking for it or making sure I didn’t forget it. This week that wasn’t it. This week I wasn’t waiting for anyone to call me or get back to me. I wasn’t waiting to hear about anyone’s day, anyone’s week, anyone’s relationship. I was alone with my thoughts and my books and I was fine. This was exactly what I needed and I’m in no rush to get back in the swing of social media.

This week reminded me of how important it is to take advantage of the time that you have to do the things that you truly enjoy. Take some time to unplug.

New space. New me.

I’m writing to you from my adult room. Now, when I say adult that DOES NOT mean that I peeled the sticky stars off the ceilings and removed all night lights, or that I installed some swing for additional activities during my free time. It means that I took the time and money to create a space for myself that is just for me, and clutter free.

A few months back I went to Target and filled my cart with every Opal House product that I thought would fit my vision of an adult room. I’m talking cheetah print comforter (that was naturally $70.00+ and is clearly decorative), some sheer floral print curtains (that absolutely do not keep any light out), a combination a gold wall hangings, Christmas light to run around the border, sheets with more than 100 thread count, big obnoxious fake leaves, $100.00+ worth of shams and pillows (pillows are stupidly expensive and for what), and lastly, one of those lights that melt wax.

Oh! And how could I forget? I also purchased a Phillip Hue, which is basically four fancy wifi connected light bulbs that allow me to turn them on remotely AND chance the color of them to any color that I like. Every person who has entered my place has seen every color, and the reaction of “awe” never gets old. The only bad thing is that I can’t turn on the lights when my phone is dead.

As far as I’m concerned, my room looks amazing, and it feels great to come home to a space that I can feel comfortable in. Number one rule, no clothes on the floor. I took the time to make my second bedroom my closet (although initially it was supposed to be my plant and craft room). All my dress clothes are hanging from a cheap Walmart rack that tips over without warning, and my shoes are roughly organized on a pretty sturdy Walmart shoe rack. As for having a crafting space, I’m still working on that. My apartment is only so big and my most recent Muse opted out in the middle of a creative awakening so, we’ll put a pin in that for now.

Moving on,  I recently purchased around $200.00 (by around $200.00 I mean like $300.00 with the wicker pots) worth of Plants from IKEA to make my downstairs space look like a jungle. The majority of the plants I purchased are Tropical, and naturally, I can’t pronounce any of the names, so I took the time to label them with their names and care instructions #adulting. It feels great to be surrounded by living things that don’t talk.

Although I’m writing to you from my super adult room, I’m writing to you because at this moment I feel the most alone I’ve felt in a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I have some pretty awesome, supportive friends and family, but right now I’m not really in the mood to be pitied or coddled. Additional this is me trying to break away from being dependent on folks. I’ve ALSO  come to realize that I’ve been stuck in the same realization loop since 2015, meaning I’ve probably learned the same lesson 2 or 3 times and felt like I was learning it for the first time until a few honest members of my support system had to tell me otherwise (enjoying my run on sentences?) That was pretty disappointing for me considering how self-aware and progressive I considered myself to be. Although it was a reality check it forced me to look at myself through a different lense, and examine all my unhealthy repetitive behavior. Boy, what fun that was.

 

What is even more fun is deciding to keep the behavior or try to change it during a time where I am already changing in ways that I hadn’t expected. Just looking over the list of the changes I felt like I was reading a symptoms list of a commercial antibiotic. I’ve lost interest in so many things that I use to enjoy its almost disturbing. Granted, partying with my friends was bound to get old eventually, but it’s gotten to the point where I’ve felt more like cuddling up to watch a movie than even bothering to leave the house. Again, I don’t think this is a bad thing, but the way my body got struck with baby fever was jarring. I woke up one day, feeling so happy and in love, I was so excited to start a family with the man of my dreams. Move in together, plan a wedding, all that jazz. Somewhere between March and now, I managed to not only lose be put in the friend zone by said man of my dreams but also become disgustingly under motivated to the point where it affected my job performance at work #prayforme.

So right now, at this moment in my adult room, I have no functional phone, no dinner, and could potentially be at risk for losing my job #whenadultinggoeswrong. It’s so sad to say this, but at 26 years old I’ve actually never taken care of myself; I’m curious to see if I’m actually able to. I’ve always managed to put myself in a position where I have someone checking in on me, whether it’s a “hows your day going?”, a mental check-in or literally just making sure I ate today. One day without my phone has made me realize how much I was distracting myself from reality. I lived in my head all day today, and it’s a pretty dark and lonely place.

On a brighter note, it is still summertime, which means I have more than enough time to catch up on some reading( currently reading a very humorous self-help book, thanks Fo) and creating. Not to mention focusing more on my mental health. Although I’ve been in an “accepting things that I cannot change mode” I did make the choice to seek additional feedback from sources outside my immediate support system to navigate through some things. Although it may not be my time to be a mother and a wife now when I am I would like to be the best version of myself.