Adulthood has a way of taking things that you thought you knew as a kid and completely morphing the meaning, significance, and purpose. Kind of like finding out that most of the characters that left us presents as a child were just our parents lurking in the shadows. The wool was so far over our eyes that many of us believed everything that we were told not even considering that it could be a lie. Oh, how naïve we once were.
That’s how I started feeling about falling in love as an adult.
Up until a few months ago, I thought I knew exactly what it meant to be in love. I’ve been in and out of relationships since I was old enough to date (clearly that makes me an expert). I thought love was simple. A strong feeling that existed for a moment in time or sometimes for a lifetime. It can be that, but it could also be so many other things.
Due to the amount of time I spent reading teen romance novels as a young adult, the way that I showed love to my partners started off very traditional. Movie nights, matching outfits, holiday pictures, anniversary dinners, and most importantly GRAND GESTURES. I will decorate your room, your door, your house, your car, I will take a bus, car, plane, train, and hike all in the name of LOVE. Or so I thought. I thought being in love meant shouting it to the world for all to hear, being present, being understanding, communicating, and the list goes on.
I’m down the street from 29 now and I’m baffled at how significantly my views on love have developed.
As foolish as it sounds, one hard thing that I had to learn is that there is no “one size fits all” when it comes to how you treat your partner. Although many men don’t ask for much, everyone has a different love language. Talking through your partner’s needs wants, and desires is just as important as keeping open and honest communication throughout. In a climate where social media rules all it’s easy to get caught up and competitive. 9 times out of 10 people are showing off relationships that they aren’t even happy in.
I learned the hard way that it’s not unusual for people to lie about what they want out of a relationship or even lie about wanting one at all. It’s still wild to me that people are lying as adults but it’s more common than you think. They’re called dream sellers and I’d recommend staying as far as possible from them if you know what’s good for you.
I stayed in a lot of relationships for the wrong reasons. I stayed because of: the fear of being alone, wanting to feel needed, threats of suicide, comfortability, and a lot of times to avoid embarrassment. Looking back at a lot of these scenarios, I can’t think of a time that I stayed because I was truly in love. I cared so much about what other people thought that I would go into overdrive trying to fix things that were never meant to be fixed. I was chasing happiness in many of these relationships. I was so incredibly lonely and emotionally distraught but it was easy to keep up appearances and make it look like everything was fine. I thought love meant through thick and thin. Sometimes it does, but if it’s at the expense of your mental health, physical well-being, or happiness it’s really not worth it.
Now, I say my views on love have changed because for the first time in my life, I felt like I understood what it meant when people say they’ve found their “person.” A few months into getting to know each other I had no interest in being with anyone else. I removed or muted any person who could potentially get in the way or cause any harm to what I thought was a perfect union. I was ignoring exes and old flings and bragging that I had finally found my person to all my friends. I had been through so much in the past with toxic relationships I was so excited for a fresh start. I was determined to get this one right.
He “loved” me in a way that was unfamiliar to me. We could be honest and laugh at each other, talk about current and past situations, and every moment we were together it felt blissful. Even when things started to get hard everything always seemed perfect when we were together. I couldn’t let go of that feeling.
I did everything I could to be a supportive partner, providing resources, motivation, communication, and understanding and naturally an overabundance of romantic gestures.
I was so foolishly in love. Introducing him to my friends planning activities, and most importantly talking about OUR future TOGETHER. Not in a make-believe it may or may not happen way. I was literally in the process of moving my entire life around to make this long-distance relationship work. I was confident that this one was different. I felt like the universe was FINALLY giving me a break. It sent me a man who loves me for me, who’s patient, who cooks, who’s proud to be with me, who echoes my sentiments about the future. You couldn’t tell me anything.
But what’s new? I was met with waves of negative comments about him not being good enough for me because of his current situation. I didn’t care. It was my life, my decision and I continued to brag and smother him with all I had to offer.
See that right there? That is exactly what puts me in these wild situations in the first place. Being hardheaded. I have a bad habit of going blind when I get excited and end up getting played. I’ve been played like a fiddle for the last ten years and at this point I’m on the bench.
I believed every word he said and I was so satisfied to finally be receiving a love that I felt like I earned after going through so many hardships in my past relationships. I thought the cheating, emotional manipulation, and abuse were finally over, and I had no interest in being with anyone else. I took a large sigh of relief and then started orchestrating my plan to move out of state. I was so confident I told everyone I was moving. I didn’t think anything could go wrong.
I acknowledge how foolish this was, but if you knew how terrible my luck was finally seeing what looked like a light at the end of the tunnel breathed life into me after being broken for so long.
I’m writing this because like most of my posts this is laced with lessons that I had to learn the hard way.
Our honeymoon phase lasted longer than usual because of the distance. We were always happy to see each other, talk to each other, and Facetime each other, whatever the case was, we were falling fast and moving faster. I was excited to have a man who was committed and patient with me, I have never been happier in a relationship. He said things to me like he would never leave me, and that we would be together forever. All I knew was that I wanted forever and I was willing to do whatever to make sure it was with him.
The rug got pulled from under me when the winter months rolled in. Unfortunately for me, although I try my best to manage, with winter comes seasonal depression. I expressed this in prior months hoping that it would help. It didn’t. He became distant and we began talking less. During these times I need a lot of support from my partner, and I thought he would be able to handle it. He didn’t care to and just disappeared into oblivion whenever I was having an episode. Navigating other people’s mental illnesses isn’t for the weak. Before I knew it we were talking less and less and talks about seeing each other were becoming scarce.
It felt like it was my fault. I couldn’t help but think that maybe if I had been more intentional with managing my mental health we wouldn’t be here. It wasn’t until Valentine’s Day rolled around that I realized he had checked out. An intended trip became non-existent and I didn’t even get as much as a card until the next week. Flowers, in the shape of a dog. I was confused about this because I didn’t feel like he was dogging me out. I just felt like he was dropping the ball.
It was then that I started realizing the inconsistencies in his behavior and a large increase in carelessness. It wasn’t long before I was contacted by another young woman that he was dealing with and I realized he wasn’t at all who I thought he was.
I was embarrassed, I was distraught, I was heartbroken in a way that I had never been before. She was young and petite. I didn’t understand what was so valuable about her that she was worth risking what we had. I had tried my best to be the best partner I could considering the circumstances, but I was left confused. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve this. Considering how many times I’ve been cheated on at this point I’m surprised I even bothered to get upset.
One thing I couldn’t do is cry. I wasn’t about to feel sorry for myself.
It took me a moment to realize that a lot of times people’s behavior isn’t a reflection of you. Many times it’s a reflection of their insecurities, carelessness, values, or lack thereof, upbringing, and sometimes past relationships.
Although I received bits and pieces about his past, I blamed his behavior on his lack of maturity. I got cocky and thought that he would never treat me like he treated the others. He would, and he did. I was balling up red flags left and right. There isn’t anything that you can do about men who don’t have any respect for women, and it’s also foolish to fall in love with people’s potential.
At the time I also failed to realize how quickly we moved. We had barely gotten a chance to get to know each other as friends before deciding to make a commitment. We both got caught up in the excitement of a new person with new experiences. Realistically, coming from the situations that we had, we truly needed more time to learn and grow as two single adults before diving into a relationship. I wasn’t ready and neither was he. One large component that was missing from the equation was a higher level of communication. There were a lot of conversations that needed to be had that weren’t due to a lot of different factors. I also acknowledge that my expectations may have been overwhelming for a new and blossoming relationship. Long-distance is already a challenging venture in itself.
Although this isn’t the first time I’ve been betrayed this one hit a bit harder because I didn’t see it coming. I was confident in our relationship, you couldn’t tell me we weren’t perfect for each other.
It’s funny how the smoke clears after something implodes.
You start noticing behaviors that you didn’t prior to being in love. In this case, it was a blaring indicator of what love is and what love isn’t.
Love isn’t being dishonest with your partner.
Love isn’t entertaining other outside parties.
Love isn’t putting your own or your partner’s safety or health at risk.
Love is care, consideration, and communication.
Love is going above and beyond.
Love is being supportive even when they’re at their worst.
Love can be challenging, but with the right person, it’s worthwhile.
Love isn’t just paying for things.
Love is showing up.
Love is listening.
Love is choosing your partner when you can choose anyone else in the world.
That word is often exhausted and used in vain.
After this ordeal for the first time, I saw how ugly my reflection could be. I looked right into the eyes of my college self, not a care in the world, dangerously selfish, lacking consideration and self-awareness. My insides burned because I knew what his next steps were. The excitement of leaving what felt like a burden, to entertain meaningless interactions with new people. The couple of exciting months that turn into years of settling for less just to end up regretful that you let a good one slip through your fingers. I know that story well. It took me forever to see myself but now everything is clear as day.
This one slammed and locked the door to my love life for now. As a romantic, it’s a strange feeling to not be in or looking for a relationship. I know I’ve grown because I don’t feel lost, or unfulfilled. Moving forward I now see the value of taking time to let things play out. Although it’s good to have a plan, some things shouldn’t be rushed.
I’ve been watching people get married and engaged to partners that they’ve cheated on for years and question if I even feel like bothering with a new relationship in the future. Not to mention most of what ends up in my DM’s are people’s clearly lost husbands.
I’d much rather continue to grow and be happy on my own, in silence, in my house, with the dog.
CallMeCam 