Can I just say that self-reflection can be disgustingly exhausting? Sheesh.
I am such a knit picky person when it comes to myself, sometimes I feel like I’m in a constant state of internal conflict.
BUT, with conflict comes resolution, clarity, and often a better understanding of self and others. So, to me the self-reflection regardless of what conflict it brings is always worth it.
These last couple of months I had to take another hard look at my values and the decisions that I’ve made that have impacted my life. I know I talk a lot about removing people from my circle. In many of those instances, it is because I value myself and the way that I believe that I should be treated by my friend group. There is certain behavior that I just cannot tolerate. What I recently had to go come to terms with is why I can’t seem to do the same within relationships. Am I failing to see my value when my rose-colored glasses are on?
I had a conversation with a good friend of mine last week who graciously told me about myself (which I always appreciate). They told me that one of the reasons that I end up being treated so poorly by men is because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to see them as better people than they actually are. I have the ability to see the worst in people that I have no romantic interest in. I turn a blind eye when I do like them, which I’ve learned can be incredibly dangerous depending on the circumstance.
I also had to do the hard thing and admit that I’ve been in incredibly toxic circumstances that should have never lasted as long as they did. I chose to be in them. I chose to stay in them on the premise that things could get better and tried to work through a lot of issues with communication. I put entirely too much trust in people that should have never been trusted.
Here is where my values come back into play.
As hard as it is to admit I wanted to be with someone so badly that I chose to believe the explanations of the red flags and instances of other women. I could’ve left. I should’ve have left. I didn’t. It seems I never leave until I’ve been so emotionally destroyed that I have no choice.
I was valuing the wrong things, the vacations, the meals, the shows, the promise of a ring, the promise of a family. Although I was also valuing the sharing of knowledge, the creative give and take among other positive things I failed to value my self and mental health which is the worst thing I could’ve done. I chose to put the needs, wants, and opinions of others before my own.
I concluded that I grew up watching many adults in my life value experiences, things and survival over love and I fell right in line. Watching apologies be bought instead of behaviors being changed. I never actually was able to experience what could be considered a healthy, loving relationship, and I thought that the amount of things that someone gave you translated to how much they loved you. As an adult I can see how problematic having those type of views is.
Coming up on 28 now I’m not interested in making the same mistakes moving forward. It should not have taken this long and frankly, I’m pretty disappointed in myself. Now I have a ridiculously long list of “You should probably leave if’s” and “It could be a red flag if,” which unfortunately are so incredibly obvious that it almost makes my stomach hurt. Here, let me show you:
You should probably leave if you catch him sending and receiving risqué messages to women on social media.
You should probably leave if he knocks you down more than he lifts you up.
You should probably leave if you feel uncomfortable bringing him around your friends and family with a fear of what they might think.
You should probably leave if you’re constantly making excuses for his behavior.
You should probably leave if you catch him on a date with another women.
You should probably leave if he takes pictures of your diary and uses them against you in an argument.
You should probably leave if he constantly brings up your past.
Its probably a red flag if he waits for your to get home after saying you were not interested in speaking.
It’s probably a red flag if he shows up at your house and job unexpectedly on more than one occasion.
It’s probably a red flag if he has more females friends that you do.
It’s probably a red flag if he has more than one active phone that is not a work phone.
It’s probably a red flag if he leaves his phone in the car every time he sleeps over.
It’s probably a red flag if he gets up and leaves the room for hours in the middle of the night.
It’s probably a red flag if he doesn’t have positive relationships with his immediate family members.
Its probably a red flag is he doesn’t acknowledge how his behavior may impact others.
The list goes on and on, but you get the point.
Its reason’s like these that you should never romanticize relationships that you know nothing about. The behind the scenes footage is always the realist and the rawest. None of that behavior should be considered normal in a relationship, and I have to acknowledge the negative impact that it had on my mental health. It didn’t take long for my counselor to bring to my attention that my relationship was what was impacting my behavior and emotions negatively, and after a while of trying to fix what I thought was broken I just had to throw in the towel.
These months of reflection and mediation have reminded me how important it is to choose you first.
Your health. Your body. Your Mind.
As cliché as it sounds I never understood the impact of loving yourself first before you entered a relationship until this last year.
Allowing people to treat you how ever they want is not loving yourself.
Like many of my experiences, I’m thankful that I’ve learned all that I did. I am stronger than I ever have been and I am in absolutely no rush to get in anyone’s relationship until I am in a stronger mental space.
2020 has been coming with the heat man.
Stay safe, grounded, and reflective.
Providing a link on gas lightning below. It is a thing.
https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/what-gaslighting-how-do-you-know-if-it-s-happening-ncna890866
CallMeCam 