You win some, others not so much.

Current living situation: I AM LEGEND

We are currently living in the land of TikTok, take out and social isolation.  Me, being someone who enjoys going on adventures and having an audience for my lame jokes went a bit mad on day three of working from home.

We’re now coming up on week three, and not only have I begun to fall into a routine but I ‘ve also decided to take this time to reflect. Good for me, right?  If I’m being honest considering that I’ve spent most of my life alone at some capacity (only child),  I wasn’t exactly jumping for joy at the thought of having to face my internal thoughts for long periods of time. But hey, what better time than now.  As I normally would, I’ll be honest.

These last couple of months have both rocky and rewarding. It feels like I’ve been watching myself under a lens and are in a constant state of critique. I always want to be better, smarter, stronger and possibly more self-aware than I was the month before and in order to do so, I must be intentional.

I started with severing ties with individuals that were no longer making a positive impact on my life. That was probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.

I truly value my friendships, but I had to start acknowledging who actually valued mine.  I have a bad habit of making excuses for people’s behavior and trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. After a while, I just had a look at things as they were. Friends that value you and your time will be honest will communicate, will be intentional with their actions. People will not always value you the way that you value them, or even care if you decided to leave their life in the first place. I tried my best to be intentional with acknowledging the value they did bring to my life and end on a positive note. The last thing I wanted to do was leave with no explanation (keeping in mind people’s triggers). Regardless of continuing or not I always try my best to be transparent.

Additionally, I also took a much-needed break from some long-term friendships and relationships, which seemingly ended up benefitting them in the long run.

One thing that I did have to acknowledge over these last few months is that I don’t have to be strong and hard all the time. At one point in my life, I decided that tears represented weakness. I would literally do anything to avoid crying in any circumstance. Nowadays I just got to let it happen. It’ll eat you alive if you don’t

Lastly, I took a long look at the way that I show people that I care and I’m honestly trying to decide if that needs to change.  I care entirely too much for people and fail to acknowledge when it’s blatantly obvious that it is not reciprocated. The way that I’ve been treated by some people makes me question what energy I’ve been putting into the universe. It’s hard for me to believe that my luck is this consistently bad.

Either way, it takes a lot for me to actually like someone romantically but when I do, I’m all in.

I’m very much a grand gesture person, my goal is always to make a person feel like they are special and deserving. I’ll collect your favorites and probably give them to you in a big obnoxious way if possible.

Consistency is super important to me, whether it’s checking in once or twice a day or seeing each other once or twice a week I try my best to show that I’m interested and being intentional with sharing my time with you and trying to plan something or participate in something that interests us both. Being flexible and open-minded Is a must when building anything with someone.

Although it’s not always apparent I’m a very touchy and cuddly person if I feel comfortable with you. I love holding hands and PDA, coordinating outfits, all that jazz. Typically, that comes with trust, the more confident that I feel that you are sure about your feelings the more likely I am to act.  I go pretty hard at times and the last thing I want to do is put myself out there to get my feelings hurt. Although I most recently did, and I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t impacted me emotionally.

The icing on the cakes comes if you can tap into the artistic side of me. Once you become my muse it’s almost no coming back from it. Especially if you’ve inspired me to create things outside of you.

I can’t imagine my ways aren’t much different from others. Honesty, communication, reciprocity, growth, partnership, and health are common things that people value.

I value people’s thoughts and feelings to my best of my ability. I’m easily excited and talkative and I try my best to be upfront with how I’m feeling so there are no surprises in the long run.

One thing that I have to keep telling myself is that people aren’t obligated to care. Not about your feelings your baggage, your triggers or mental health especially if there wasn’t a conversation about them.

Most recently I learned that because of my experience with losing a loved one, not receiving a response for longer than a day when I’m used to talking consistently can send my thoughts into a frenzy of worst-case scenarios.  Partially because I’ve never really experienced not receiving a response unless something was wrong (boy how times have changed).

But people don’t have to give you an explanation. As much you as may want one; whether it’s for peace of mind or for “closure” you may not ever get it. People aren’t obligated to value you or your time or treat you like you treat them. People aren’t obligated to feel for you the way you feel for them. People will play a role in impacting your feelings without even knowing it or bothering to care, and sometimes you have to be okay with that.

I care for my friends and family in a way that I never want to see them hurt or sad. I do what I can to make them happy and share experiences with them when I can. It occurred to me recently how often friends confide in each for the advice or next moves. I think sometimes we forget that although our friends care for us sometimes they can be biased and may not always have our best interest, sometimes they may be biased because of the feelings that they have for you, sometimes their playing the long game and will reassure you on things that are totally false, sometimes they see something good in your path but would rather you stay back with them or fail. Friends can reassure your assumptions when you may have been better off just asking.

I value my friends and their thoughts and opinions but I’m happy that I’ve learned to make my own decisions without letting them make an impact.

At the end of the day only I know what is truly best for me.

And so we go.