I’m writing to you from my adult room. Now, when I say adult that DOES NOT mean that I peeled the sticky stars off the ceilings and removed all night lights, or that I installed some swing for additional activities during my free time. It means that I took the time and money to create a space for myself that is just for me, and clutter free.
A few months back I went to Target and filled my cart with every Opal House product that I thought would fit my vision of an adult room. I’m talking cheetah print comforter (that was naturally $70.00+ and is clearly decorative), some sheer floral print curtains (that absolutely do not keep any light out), a combination a gold wall hangings, Christmas light to run around the border, sheets with more than 100 thread count, big obnoxious fake leaves, $100.00+ worth of shams and pillows (pillows are stupidly expensive and for what), and lastly, one of those lights that melt wax.
Oh! And how could I forget? I also purchased a Phillip Hue, which is basically four fancy wifi connected light bulbs that allow me to turn them on remotely AND chance the color of them to any color that I like. Every person who has entered my place has seen every color, and the reaction of “awe” never gets old. The only bad thing is that I can’t turn on the lights when my phone is dead.
As far as I’m concerned, my room looks amazing, and it feels great to come home to a space that I can feel comfortable in. Number one rule, no clothes on the floor. I took the time to make my second bedroom my closet (although initially it was supposed to be my plant and craft room). All my dress clothes are hanging from a cheap Walmart rack that tips over without warning, and my shoes are roughly organized on a pretty sturdy Walmart shoe rack. As for having a crafting space, I’m still working on that. My apartment is only so big and my most recent Muse opted out in the middle of a creative awakening so, we’ll put a pin in that for now.
Moving on, I recently purchased around $200.00 (by around $200.00 I mean like $300.00 with the wicker pots) worth of Plants from IKEA to make my downstairs space look like a jungle. The majority of the plants I purchased are Tropical, and naturally, I can’t pronounce any of the names, so I took the time to label them with their names and care instructions #adulting. It feels great to be surrounded by living things that don’t talk.
Although I’m writing to you from my super adult room, I’m writing to you because at this moment I feel the most alone I’ve felt in a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I have some pretty awesome, supportive friends and family, but right now I’m not really in the mood to be pitied or coddled. Additional this is me trying to break away from being dependent on folks. I’ve ALSO come to realize that I’ve been stuck in the same realization loop since 2015, meaning I’ve probably learned the same lesson 2 or 3 times and felt like I was learning it for the first time until a few honest members of my support system had to tell me otherwise (enjoying my run on sentences?) That was pretty disappointing for me considering how self-aware and progressive I considered myself to be. Although it was a reality check it forced me to look at myself through a different lense, and examine all my unhealthy repetitive behavior. Boy, what fun that was.
What is even more fun is deciding to keep the behavior or try to change it during a time where I am already changing in ways that I hadn’t expected. Just looking over the list of the changes I felt like I was reading a symptoms list of a commercial antibiotic. I’ve lost interest in so many things that I use to enjoy its almost disturbing. Granted, partying with my friends was bound to get old eventually, but it’s gotten to the point where I’ve felt more like cuddling up to watch a movie than even bothering to leave the house. Again, I don’t think this is a bad thing, but the way my body got struck with baby fever was jarring. I woke up one day, feeling so happy and in love, I was so excited to start a family with the man of my dreams. Move in together, plan a wedding, all that jazz. Somewhere between March and now, I managed to not only lose be put in the friend zone by said man of my dreams but also become disgustingly under motivated to the point where it affected my job performance at work #prayforme.
So right now, at this moment in my adult room, I have no functional phone, no dinner, and could potentially be at risk for losing my job #whenadultinggoeswrong. It’s so sad to say this, but at 26 years old I’ve actually never taken care of myself; I’m curious to see if I’m actually able to. I’ve always managed to put myself in a position where I have someone checking in on me, whether it’s a “hows your day going?”, a mental check-in or literally just making sure I ate today. One day without my phone has made me realize how much I was distracting myself from reality. I lived in my head all day today, and it’s a pretty dark and lonely place.
On a brighter note, it is still summertime, which means I have more than enough time to catch up on some reading( currently reading a very humorous self-help book, thanks Fo) and creating. Not to mention focusing more on my mental health. Although I’ve been in an “accepting things that I cannot change mode” I did make the choice to seek additional feedback from sources outside my immediate support system to navigate through some things. Although it may not be my time to be a mother and a wife now when I am I would like to be the best version of myself.
CallMeCam 